Dear … You?
Since you aren’t too big on the Internet, social media, and well, English, I don’t think you know much about it but we (the people of the Internet) use a lot of acronyms to communicate. Without acronyms, English is just way too long for typed casual conversation. There’s way too many out there to be familiar with them all, of course, but I’ve recently come across a very commonly used and convenient set. The problem is, I find myself struggling to use them, and it’s all because of you!
Please, allow me to explain.
Typing out things like, my husband, my daughter, my mother in law, and such get very tiresome, especially on a cellphone. So there are a set of acronyms that people use for these terms.
- DH – Darling Husband
- DS – Darling Son
- DD – Darling Daughter
- MIL – Mother in Law
- FIL – Father in Law
- PIL – Parents in Law
There may be a few more, but these are the ones that I see most often and am most familiar with. Now, why would I be struggling with something as simple as using an acronym?
Recently, when I talk about you, I haven’t seen you as my “darling” husband. You are my “insert expletive” husband. Something inside of me feels like using DH to describe you is, in some way, making it look like I’m less mad at you than I am. Like I’m less hurt than I am. Like I care more than I do. I need a new acronym, one just for you, and I’m sure plenty of other women out there feel the same way about their “darling” husbands too.
This might not seem like a big deal to you, but to me, words mean a lot. Maybe it’s your lack of words specifically that is driving me to feel this way. Maybe it’s that you don’t use enough nice words. Or maybe I feel cheated in some way, because you don’t have any cute names for me while I’m calling you my darling. I know it’s not normal here in Japan, the land of conformity, but it is something that us foreign women give up when we choose you Japanese men, and it would be nice if you all took that into consideration every once in a while.
I don’t think I’m the only woman out there who feels this way either. Sure, it may be embarrassing, especially after living in Japan, but hearing those sweet nothings from your own darlings lips can make a girls heart melt! Who doesn’t want to be called baby, honey, darling, my love, or even sweetheart from time to time? It’s the little things that show us how much you care, especially the little things from our home land. The more I long to hear those words, the less I find myself capable of using them on you. We use first names to talk to each other, and quite frankly, it makes me feel more like a friend than a lover.
You’ve busted through the door after a day of work and exclaimed “Honey, I’m home!” in the past, but it was nothing more than a mere joke. I wonder if I’ll ever hear those words in a loving way. If you’ll ever call me by some embarrassingly cute nickname. If I’ll ever regain the confidence to use those words myself.
So for now, you are just “husband” to me. Maybe someday my darling will return.
Languages of Love
I know there are different ways of showing and receiving love. I know there’s a book about it but I haven’t read it yet. I’m not sure it even applies to Japanese effectively so I’m not sure if it would help my situation or not.
My husband and I, we’re totally different when it comes to love languages.
I’m the type who wants to sit down and talk. I want to be the center of his attention at least 70% of the time. I want hugs. I want kisses. I want flowers (even super cheap ones will do). I want love notes. Love letters. Heck, hire a skywriter! I want cuddles under shared blankets. I want long walks with equally long talks, yes, about our feelings. I want to know I’m being thought about. I want to know someone is concerned.
My husband, he wants a psychic.
I’m not a psychic.
My husband wants someone to do things that make him happy without him sharing what those things are. He wants freedom. He doesn’t want to talk.
We’re totally different. And we’re struggling to work through it, so I can’t help anyone else, at least not yet.
Now, I do understand that this normal. It’s common for two people to have totally different love languages. The key is learning to speak love in your lovers love language. This is a great idea when you speak the same language to begin with, but what happens when you speak different languages? It magnifies the issue, that’s what happens. Japanese culture and American culture are vastly different. Japanese and English are also vastly different.
All of those cute nicknames that I’d love for my husband to use on me, that’s one of many things that are just plain different about us. I don’t know if the thought has even crossed his mind. And I’m not sure if it’s because he’s just that type of person, or if it’s because he’s Japanese, but I imagine that it’s a combination of both.
How can one even begin learn their partners love language when they’re still working on learning their partners spoken language? It certainly isn’t easy. Simple marriage strengthening activities are also made more difficult by a difference of language. Communicating differences of preference is also not easy, to say the least. Day to day communication will certainly become easier with time, but how do we communicate things that are difficult to say even in our native language?
So far, I’ve learned that the answer is a lot of effort from both parties.
Both parties have to take an interest in not only their partners personal love language, but also the love culture from their partners home country. Both parties have to make the effort, not just one. Both parties have to make an effort to communicate, more so than if their partner was from their own country. My husband and I are currently struggling with this. I often feel like I’m making an effort, while he thinks everything is fine. And because we’re in Japan, the “Japanese Way” takes priority.
Quite frankly, I disagree. Personally, I feel like a person who chooses to marry a person from another culture has to accept that culture into their home. My Japanese husband wan’t forced to marry a crazy American, he choose it! Of course, outside the home the country of residence gets priority, but inside, fair game in my opinion. I think it’s hard for my husband to understand how to mix cultures because compromise isn’t a big thing here, but that will be a whole different post!
Will we ever make it past this bump in the road? Who knows?! Come back next time and see how we’re progressing, or not progressing maybe…
Unsealed Letters to You 